Falstaff and Me
The Underappreciated Difficulties of Being a Vampire
by Roscid Cup
Vampires get a bad rap these days for being either too easy to kill or too full of histrionic angst. But being a vampire has an underappreciated dark side. Here are five things to consider before the next time you bad-mouth the vampires in your neighborhood.
1. Garlic tastes good
Everyone knows that Vampires are allergic (for lack of a better term) to garlic. But everyone also knows that garlic tastes good. Why do you think so many vampires affect a Hungarian accent? To pay tribute to Bela Lugosi? No! They’re actually just really bad at attempting an Italian accent, because like anyone else, they crave some right proper garlic-rich Italian food — and can’t have any.
2. Blood tastes bad
No, I’m not weird for knowing this veritable fact. Anyway, vampires need blood to go on with their undeadifying. But blood tastes terrible! Imagine being stuck on a ship for two years with nothing to eat from day to day but sea-biscuit. Such is the unlife of a vampire.
3. Vampires are afraid of the dark
I think the reason why this is unpleasant for vampires speaks for itself.
4. Some vampires’ angsty teen phase lasts for millennia
If you’re one of the 99%, then Twilight is reason enough to hate the entire generation that allowed it to make enough money for a sequel. (You’re well justified.) To that I would add that Interview with the Vampire was pretentious trash trying to seem arty.
But one thing that both these movies got right is that for a vampire, once a t(w)een always a t(w)een. I don’t know what’s worse: an eternity of being a teenager or an eternity of being the parent of a teenager.
5. Vampires cannot own pets… for very long
A German Shepherd has about two and a half liters of blood. The less said the better.