Falstaff and Me
Calliope Conspiracy

by Roscid Cup

Why is a calliope so difficult to find for purchase?

Is there a conspiracy against calliopes? Were there too many calliope complaints? Was Calliope the Muse offended at such a mockery of her name? Why is it so hard to find a real calliope for purchase, especially online? I found one — just one — calliope on ebay, but it looked like someone’s hobby project built out of PVC pipes. (They were asking for about two grand.) But what I want is an authentic, steam-powered, automated, two-ton, ca. 1875 all-American calliope. For my apartment. And also a seersucker, a boater hat, and a monkey. Is that too much to ask?

What music it makes! Is it mere coincidence that the words calliope and calamity are so rhythmically and alliteratively compatible? Consider that the most primitive flutes are still carved in a way that can produce a beautiful note, a lamellophone could be made with spoons and still sound pretty, and even a shoebox and rubber band is not without its charm, but a calliope…? There is something gloriously wrong about the way its steam interacts with the shape of its pipes to produce those dissonant overtones. The harshness is so unique that you would never mistake it for any other kind of organ.

With this instrument I can finally return the courtesy my neighbors pay me, except at different hours. They can’t hear my calliope late at night because of all the noise they’re making themselves, and I can’t play it then anyway because that’s usually when I’m trying to sleep. But at six AM or so I can help them sleep off their hangovers by treating them to some soothing calliope music. I would feed through it rolls and rolls of all those great calliope classics, like “The Skaters’ Waltz,” “Thunder and Blazes,” and — just for sentimental reasons — “Anchors Aweigh.” (I also kinda wonder how Metallica would sound if played on a Calliope.) If I get one that has a keyboard then I’ll play the songs myself and add a warm human touch to the music by frequently hitting the wrong notes.

It will be a crack of doom at the crack of dawn, so to speak, for my dear neighbors.

EMPLOYEES, EMPLOYERS, RETIRED, and UNEMPLOYED:
If you are over the age of 39 or under the age of 41, this message is for YOU!!!

Would you like to set your mind free and give in to the madness with reckless abandon, but avoid the consequences that accompany dangerous stunts or chemical stimulants? Why not immerse yourself in the mad mad sounds of a CALLIOPE!

Warning: Side effects may include anxiety, panic, toothache, and spectrophobia.